Every Three Days,

by Julia

I'm sorry first off if this is scattered.

My focus comes and goes. I am fighting just to keep my eyes open today. So feel free to ask questions if need be...

There is an angel that visits with me for three days at a time. I destroy myself when she leaves over the pain. She keeps me from my character flaws and enables me to connect with others. I am basically dead, just stuck in a breathing human's body, when she leaves. I am not sure who she is.

Last summer, I met a man that said he was sent to me to return my soul. We conceived a child together, unplanned, after we were both told that we could not have children.

This man brought up a lot of emotional trauma in my life. My life has not been calm or grounded, by any means....I have been dealing with depression since I was 8, had eating disorders since I was 13, and a terrible self-loathing, lack of worth, since I was 15....

But the events we encountered during our time caused pain greater than I could have ever imagined.

He convinced me I needed him to be saved from my sins, that I was nothing and graceless without him. He was the only person I really connected with at that point, seeing as my family and friends usually were unable to grasp what I was trying to convey.

For some karmic reason, I have been placed in a life with many closed minded people who are narrow in their views, while my mind is perhaps too open....

But this man, whom I felt great affinity towards and dependency upon, told me to either get rid of the child or leave him. And after a great deal of back and fourth with the decision, I aborted the child.

I live with that regret everyday. He was not supportive of me afterwards, took me hiking the day of the abortion. I miss that baby everyday. that baby was the only thing that made me feel like I was worth my own attention and care. And I gave it up for the false promises of someone who turned out to be quite evil.

A year later, after a great deal of research, I am convinced that this man (whom I refuse to have contact with) was a reptilian. I witnessed him move objects without touching them, cloud burst, defy a few physical laws...and admittedly stayed with him at times in hopes that he would teach me.

But after the pain of sticking by someone who seemed to purposely hurt me in every way he could (getting other girls, then yelling at me for talking with male friends, shaming my appearance, calling me a slut, whore, to the point where I was afraid to leave my house....never reading the things I'd write to him, not listening to the music I'd play for him, I had to leave....

I became very depressed afterwards, not leaving my room for a couple of months. I was unable to speak. There was a great pain in my heart. I couldn't convey it though. My parents just kept telling me that he was an asshole and it was best he was gone, then they'd shut my door and go about their day of watching TV and not caring about anything.

One day though, I decided enough was enough, that I needed a sense of purpose. So I got up, grabbed my guitar, and went to an open mic night to play my music out.

And I kept with that for months.

Met a web of people, one that lead me to another that lead me to another that showed me this thing I'd never realized about myself, which lead me to explore that thing which I never knew to exist, etc....

I have been very sheltered most of my life due to illnesses. But there is a vision in me, that I struggle not to lose sight of...

Within four months I had written a few original songs, completed a nursing program, and gotten accepted into a prestigious music school....when prior to that, I was spending most of my days crying over this man...

I named my guitar Gabriel, after which I would have named the baby...and decided that since I couldn't give life to the baby, I would give life to the music, the next thing closest to my heart and soul...

I finally have written an album of 11 songs... started running and finding great peace in it... met a few friends that actually understand my ideas and visions, even though not fully...

Then I go through this cycle where I'm okay for three days, and when I say okay, I mean like life changing...I will think something and then it happens. I get acting parts, find things I'd been looking for for years...come up with new songs almost instantly...eat healthy, sleep right, feel good, help others...

All this, because I have this angel with me that helps me stay with myself...

Then she'll leave, and I become very depressed... binge eat, don't want to get out of bed...can't see the point in going anywhere because I feel locked inside of myself...

And that is not right, I want to show this angel how much I appreciate the things she shows me even if she is not able to stay with me all the time...

I need to strengthen my connection with God, because the line also seems to get dropped every few days...

I know that my addiction to food as well as my overwhelming emotions of anger and sadness towards my parents who are emotionally void people hold me back.

I do not know how to comfort myself and am so angry at me for being lost after all these years. It wasn't until I was 21 that I discovered I loved music and could play, write, and sing...that I love art and poetry...

So much of life has passed me by, and there is so much more I have to see...but I see nothing on these days where I am drained of energy and sinking with pain, unable to get up...

But it wasn't until this tragic encounter with the man who said he was here to return my soul, that I even noticed any of this was going on.

I hope that this makes sense to someone. I just want to learn how to love, be, and cope with who I really am...and let God use me as a messenger for what he's trying to say.

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Jul 05, 2015
Every three Days
by: Tanya Tkach, Webmaster

Hello Julia,

I am still waiting to hear from you. When you contact me, I am offering my suggestions freely, but there are certain things that are only meant for you to hear.

Sending light and love,

Jun 30, 2015
Every three Days
by: Tanya Tkach, Webmaster

Hello Julia,

You are very brave to tell your story, thank you for that.

I sympathize with what you are going through and I have much to tell you, but I prefer to tell you privately.

Please contact me.

Sending healing vibrations,
Tanya Spiritual Counselor

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