Hearing or Communicating?

by Anonymous
(U.S.)

I used to tell my mom that I could hear people speaking spanish outside my bedroom window all night. I didn't speak spanish and couldn't understand what they were saying. I would just try and make myself fall asleep. I began hearing noises but, they were too intense.


Not knowing what it was, I thought I was hearing noises coming from other classrooms at school. They would be so loud I would jump, but it didn't seem to bother anyone else. I couldn't focus, I did very poorly in school. I thought the voices were people talking about me or that they were other peoples' thoughts about me and I was afraid to go anywhere public. My family didn't understand and thought I was just being a troublemaker. They would drag me out and I would sit in the car while they went to stores and restaurants, not realizing it was something within me.

I couldn't describe it and never told anyone. I thought the voices were my "inner voice". I sought help, but I had buried it so deep inside, I couldn't even explain it. I began strict Buddhist meditation and study at the age of 11 and it sort of seemed to subside. Every now and then, I would hear a "hi" or "hey" out of nowhere, but it didn't bother me for a long time.

Fifteen years later, it got really bad. I heard it all the time. I still didn't know what the voices were and they were so mean sometimes. I almost lost everything, including my children. I was forced on medication (I really mean forced). I hear them, on or off the medication. The medication just makes them feel farther away, less intense and just like I read, there are some very bad side effects. I say feel because I know I'm not "hearing" them. I think it's another form of communication.

I also get pictures. When I almost lost everything, they kept saying and showing me the words, "mental illness isn't really an illness, is it?"

I was later told of a relative that might've had the same experience- my grandmother, but she had already passed and so did my mother. I was also told that another child relative may also have it. I don't know for sure. I've had some wierd things happen to me like my bed shaking at night. I just feel like there's a reason for it and I may not know now, but I will eventually find out.

The big thing that made me finally understand what it was, was when I was reading a newspaper. I was looking at the funnies and I didn't understand the cartoon. I then heard a man's voice laugh and explain it to me and say "don't you get it?" No one could see what I was reading. No one was talking to me, but I then understood the cartoon. They tell me now that I can't know another person's thoughts, but they can help me understand.

Meditation has also helped me weed out negativity and keep positive. We don't see molecules or electrons with our human eyes, but they exist and we have developed tools to observe them. Society hasn't gotten to the point where we can completely understand all the workings of the human brain. I don't know or understand everything and I'm ok with that now.

The fact that this website exists is proof that I'm not crazy. I hope this helps someone else.

Thanks.

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