Growing up through my childhood years, my household was extremely unstable and often violent. There are years of my life that I do not remember at all. In fact, I can't trace back memories before the age of 6. This only led me to constant day-dreaming and loss of attention toward my surroundings. The amounts of suppressed anxiety that built up resurfaced in forms of frequent panic attacks and night terrors that haunted me for years.
As I got older (between 10 and 14) I noticed unusual voices in my head that would startle me in class or while I was reading. It was always in a quiet place where these voices would suddenly appear next to my ear. I'm naturally skittish, so I just assumed that was something that was brought over from years of anxiety.
It only got worse after my best friend died. We were made up of a circle of three, so we were often referred to as triplets. I remember my mother telling me about a dream she had the summer before it happened. She had this dream that one of the three girls was going to die.
She tells me now that she felt so haunted by the dream, but didn't know what to think of it. She admitted her relief that it wasn't me, and then her regret at the loss of a child in the community.
I started studying psychology and used everything I learned to rationalize the emotions that I was having, and more so, the bizarre occurrences that came with it. I began seeing shapes in the dark shadows, or human-like figures that would disappear after a second glance. Of course, I STILL reason with basic psychology. I was grieving the death of my best friend.
I could never truly come to reason with the strange voices I would continue to hear in my head. Especially now that they had become more and more frequent. There was one occasion when I was watching my 4-month-old cousin. I was watching her as she slept in her crib when I heard this clear voice next to my ear whisper the words, "Sorry, Sophie." I grabbed her
and ran out of the room with raw fear.
The same year, I was reading a book in a private spot of the book store. It was late in the night and I was sure that the next few aisles were empty, and that I was relatively alone. Suddenly, I heard a voice shouting in my ear, and I screamed. I looked around the couch that I was sitting on, and even walked down the aisles surrounding me to make sure I didn't just become the butt of some joke. Relieved that it was my imagination, I sat back down on the couch and resumed my reading. I heard three more shouts next to my ear inside that bookstore and decided to quickly leave and return home.
The most disturbing experience I've had up to date is that of a group of voices I heard late in the night while in bed. I could almost physically feel them all around me and I could somehow sense that they didn't realize I knew of their presence. It was like hearing a conversation spoken next to my ear, that I shouldn't have been part of. The voices were talking so much and so loudly that I couldn't sleep. I was squirming uncomfortably in my bed because my senses were so overwhelmed. The final voice in my head that jolted me upright was a voice that spoke to another voice, saying "she can hear us".
I jumped from my bed and ran to my father's room, where I slept on the floor. That night, I covered myself with a heavy sleeping bag and threw a pillow over my head. I could still feel their presence, and I could still hear numerous voices, but I stopped listening to the apparent conversation in my head, and eventually fell asleep. I was 18 then.
I'm 21 now. I would just like to understand what I may be experiencing, and the depth of it. I don't want to block this part of my life. If anything, I want to learn how to safely embrace it, although I do fear it. If there's a way that you can help me, I would greatly appreciate it.