Recurring Feelings When Dating
I have never been in a serious relationship before and have always been quite comfortable being independent. However, I have one more year in college and have been thinking a lot about how I would love to spend my life with someone and have a family.
So, I have been praying a lot to God every night asking for someone with whom I can connect spiritually, have a lot in common with, understand each other, and with whom I could share the rest of my life.
A few years before this, there was a guy in one of my classes with whom I texted back and forth. It wasn't too long until he asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend. I said "yes" right away because I was just overwhelmed by the thought that I actually had a boyfriend.
It wasn't until a little later when gradually things were getting worse that I had these weird feelings of feeling alone.
I don't even know how to explain it. I felt trapped, as if I lost my independence. It was like feeling alone in a crowded room. I even felt alone with my friends.
I couldn't concentrate in school or anything. The weird part was he was a nice guy and was not clingy and not demanding of anything. I really felt it was all within me - the strange feelings I had.
It wasn't until the end of the week of us "dating" that I couldn't help myself, I broke up with him. I tried explaining that I wasn't ready, but still wanted to be friends.
I thought he understood and once we took the relationship label off, I immediately lost all of the lonely feelings - it was as if I had released every negative and lonely feeling I had.
I was able to talk to him easier as a friend, and I enjoyed him more. I didn't realize until later that I really hurt him. I felt terrible.
Two years later (just
this past month), I prayed to God that I thought I was ready to try it again because I want to be with someone.
There was a guy who gave me his number at the nursing home where I volunteer. To be nice, I texted him, but wasn't sure if I was interested in him. He seemed to really want something to work out between us, even though I didn't know him.
It was scary and I felt a bit forced because I thought that if I prayed for a man this must be him.
He asked me to lunch, but all of the same feelings I had with the other guy that I dated two years ago came back, even though it was only lunch. I wasn't even dating him!
Again, I felt alone, like I lost my freedom and independence, I felt forced in a weird way to continue, I felt discomfort, and again alone around friends. I couldn't concentrate on finals or anything. It was a constant very uncomfortable feeling again.
Now that I have moved back home, he texts me here and there, but I do not feel the way that I did.
I should make it clear that this feeling both times, no matter what I did to get my mind off it and whatever advice I received from friends, (no one understood me and the feeling) was so great I didn't know what to do. It wouldn't leave until I "broke-up" or moved away back home.
Basically, do you have any advice to move past these feelings?
Once I was released of these 2 guys I felt freedom and was myself again. It is hard to date if these feelings keep recurring. I don't want to hurt anyone.
Is there a past life (that is related to these feelings) possibly? I have no idea.
Sorry, I wrote a lot and I understand if you are not sure. I just thought I would give this a try!
With love and light always, Naomi :)