The Left Side
Many questions. I have been taking medications now for 9 years. I recieve no therapy. I'm only prescribed antipsychotics.
I suffered years of terrible panic and anxiety attacks until I got on the regimen that I am now on. I use cannabis also for therapy, for 7 years now, a very concentrated form.
It has helped in becoming an open, clear minded individual that came back after 11 years of nightmares. I take the meds now and I no longer suffer those kinds of days, I don't know what it means.
Will they come back again, how do I really know, do I dare stop taking my meds, will I ever stop them, etc etc. Will this pass on after death?
It certainly feels like a state that is beyond my understanding of death. That's why it burns to my consciousness so deeply.
I'm terrified of it and I rely on my meds to assure that I am not burdened to think it all the time and be in terror. Secondly after my meds started working, around a year and a half I started feeling different, the voices that would come to me in panic bouts became a routine droning in my head. Sometimes they're there, sometimes it's quiet, but they were talking and I had a choice to engage them or not...sometimes one...sometimes many.
They always confirm my worst fears or try to lead me in that direction. Being afraid and not in control of yourself. They want to inflict on me that person in cold darkness, in fear, without the light of the divine, trapped with only myself to think about because it is so alone...they try to tell me that it is my spiritual body, soul, whatever ya wanna call it, and somehow I'm going to spend eternity in this horrible state and I'm still wondering about it, because I still don't understand it.
This stuff hasn't been resolved within me even though these days I am far away from such terrifying realizations.
My intrusive thoughts usually center around some form of blasphemy to the Divine usually by showing the Divine that you really don't like Him and are miserable and more so want to waste His time.
Also, having something in my head that causes thoughts that I don't normally hear, very psychological voices asking me questions - very low calm voices - I feel like a transmitter or microscopic piece of metal is allowing my mind to be physically manipulated - another thing that scares me out of my body. It's one thing to imagine it, but another thing when it occurs that it is being done to you.
I've had Tinnitus in my left ear now for 5 years. I also lost my hearing in that ear when it happened.
For a long while now, all my voices and thoughts have been originating from the left part of my head, mainly from the area that I hear the ringing.
What do I think of this? No one knows what's going on? They can't explain my hearing loss. All the structures in my ear are in tact.
The doctors don't even really understand tinnitus is the impression I got. Should I even be concerned about this? Why are voices coming from and originating from the ringing?
Maybe it's something that I don't even have to think about. Doctors only see so much with their empirical ways. I have learned to be an independent thinker from all this and, despite my mental blocks. I fare very well in my current life situation, experience abundance and other blessings and have time to spend working on myself to become a better, more efficient person.
I admittedly came here to this site tonight because I had a couple moments with some psycho-scientific voices communicating things to me that were way beyond my regular house of voices
I really like the site, thanks for reading this.