Twin Flame/ or Obsession
It is three in the morning and I am yet again thinking about my ex husband of brief. I have no business thinking about him since I dumped him and chose my dignity and sanity over my one true love. Just to prove I don't need him, I divorced him and re-married to prove to myself and him that it was really over, done and dusted.
More the fool am I. Hey, I apologize for my bad English as it is not my first language.
I can't even make sense of what is happening to me let alone try to explain it here, but try I shall.
I never really believed in the concept of falling in love as in - you have to Fall to love.
I used to mock such relationships in the past thinking that there is always plenty of fish in the sea. If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with, and more along the line of such nonsense.
And I don't know if I believe in twin flames either, but this type of insanity is the only description that is close to how I feel.
I met this man 10 years ago while on holiday back home. I was going trough a difficult time and without a second thought I packed my bags in two days, got a ticket and flew half way across the globe to my country.
After a short period spent with friends and family, I fell really ill, with food poisoning or something. I had an IV for a week to get hydrated and my strength back. The night the nurse came to our house to take off the IV, I was invited to a party which I thought would be good for me. God knows I needed it. I was picked up and he was in the car, but at that time we did not even notice each other.
Funnily enough, when we arrived at the party he was the entertainer and as he was singing I saw some friends of mine asking this girl to dance, but the girl was acting all weird and looking at the singer. That is how I first noticed him. I looked at him with fascination. There was something different, something about him I did not understand. I paid full attention while he sang which is out of character for me since I always like guys around me trying to talk to me, or notice me before I notice them. Honestly, I am not exaggerating, that how I was, so self absorbed and vain. I said to my friend who was near me and who also happened to be the guy's cousin that he is cute, not thinking that they know each other.
At the end of the party, my
friend came outside where I was getting some fresh air and introduced me to him. I liked him and felt quite drawn to his eyes. I didn't think much of it and went home.
The following morning my uncle asked a few of us girls who would marry with their hearts and who with their heads. I was boastful about marrying with my head. After all love is just a passing feeling right? Karma is a b....maybe that is what it is, karma?
Anyway two nights after the party I saw him again. My friend asked him and his friend to take me home. We chatted and he asked if he could see me the following night. I never felt such chemistry, attraction and comfort, and such joy on a first date in my life.
That first date lasted three nights, but we never slept together just cuddled and kissed. In fact we never ever slept together to date.
Fast forward three weeks later after our first date, we got hitched but bear in mind my country is not a liberal country and everything was done undercover, not traditionally. The next day I flew back to where I live.
Fast forward 10 years later. I love him more deeply today than any other time, and yet I run from the idea of seeing him. I think my feelings could be exposed to the point where I refuse to talk to him at all, even on the phone.
Since I am married I don't want to be disloyal and cheat on my husband even though I know in my heart of hearts that he too is still in love with me. It could be an inner knowing or even wishful thinking, even though we don't speak.
I also have countless dreams of us together. There was one dream where we where in car crash and as he was dying, he told me that he has always loved me. In another dream, I told him I was waiting for him, that I couldn't endure this separation any longer and pleaded with him to come and get me. As he was holding me, he told me to be patient a little bit longer, that he was coming.
TO cut the long story short.
He, too, is now in a committed relationship and I being married am afraid that if we come face to face, nothing good can come from it.
We had our chance and we blew it whatever the reasons behind it were, be it family, friends, or distance.
I only want to know how I can keep my sanity and keep him out of my head and heart?
I don't want to pursue our happiness on the expense of our partners. One last question do you think he is my twin flame or obsession?