Twin Flame 'Torture'? ;-)
by Learning To Love Myself
I'm Dutch, so please forgive me if I don't get my English exactly right ;-)
I met this man, J, about 3 years ago. He was one of the healers in a meditation/healing group I regularly went to. He also came to my house a few times and we had nice conversations and healing sessions.
The second time he came to my house he gave me a hug before he left. But this hug didn't stop. It was like I felt myself disappear within him, it was complete and total ecstasy, but with a component of pain in it. And he said, in the middle of the hug; "how amazing that two sensitive people can almost become one person."
I had to cut myself loose from his arms with every ounce of strength I had because I felt I was disappearing, really leaving my body and I feared I would not be able to come back. It was scary. When he went out the door everything in me collapsed, my heart screamed, I felt torn like a piece of me just walked out the door.
I've always felt lost, but from that moment on I felt it times 10. I missed him, I craved him and I started feeling this overwhelming (also sexual) longing for him. After a while I told him I had fallen in love with him. He didn't feel the same way, but was very kind about it.
That was hard to deal with but I managed...that was the only time we ever talked about it, but it was difficult to really have a good conversation because the whole concept of affection and love scares him when it comes to his own life.
He has an almost tangible wall put up around him. My heart and body kept running wild when he was near during the group sessions (private sessions we stopped) and that made me feel very naked and guilty. I could feel his body react to my energy and sometimes I felt like he was suspicious with me because of this.
One day I had this kind of vision, so beautiful and so innocent and pure. It was about
me and him, but like we were with source, in another world. We were dancing through water, chest to chest like dolphins, swirling to the surface, feeling like children. I wrote him about that, not anticipating the effect it was going to have on him because to me it had nothing to do with an earthly kind of love or romance. But he took it exactly like that.
He felt I disrespected his boundaries. So he hurt me back in a big way. He did not want to talk to me or let me explain. I had always felt there was something different about him and I found out later that he has a form of autism and that it makes it difficult for him to deal with nuances and human connections. It was so painful to be near him with this awful energy between us and for my own sanity. I stopped going to the group sessions so I would not see him anymore. I have had kind of a hard life, but this whole thing almost broke me.
While away from him, I was starting to "hate" him for the way he had been acting towards me. A year later I saw him at a spiritual event. He looked genuinely happy to see me, as if nothing happened. I greeted him politely, but avoided any contact throughout the afternoon so that I wouldn't have to pick myself up off the floor again afterward. And still...my body was doing it's own thing. Again I felt this enormous pull towards him, this craving, wanting to be one with him...
WHY? I'm 40 years old, I've been in love before, but never ever felt anything like this.
Even now, when I haven't had any contact with him for a long time, it feels like he's part of me and we are not 'done yet'. I don't want to be in contact with him again, that would be too much.
But I'm wondering...could he be my Twin Flame? And we both in our own way aren't ready to experience this? Or am I just looking for a higher meaning to my own intense feelings?
Thank you for taking the time!